When you begin to give up all the ego games and strategies and defenses, all of the ways you try to control situations or people, you look back and see how you have imprisoned yourself and cut off your peace and joy.
You lived in hell, but you don't know it is that until you have stepped out of it, at least temporarily, and looked back. For His peace and joy can only come from being free, and you are only free when you have released that which is false and which blocks your recognition of your Oneness with Him.
In this reality, we pretend to be something we are not --- we believe we are actually the roles we play --- which takes a lot of energy. We can still play the roles WHILE knowing that we are not those roles. All of the energy we were using to deny who we are becomes available to enhance who we really are. Then your life moves with ease and Grace, and this is how it is intended.